Depression
About a year ago I turned from hiding the fact that I was once diagnosed with depression, to simply adding when appropriate to a conversation. I do to simply acknowledge it before others, and try not to use it gain some attention or sympathy from others. I still rarely raise this in conversation, as there is nothing worse than a overshare.
As I approach almost a decade of my diagnosis I still live with the expectation that one day it will just pass out existence in my life. I have come to realize that those feelings, whether is actual depression or just the momentary sensation of it might be something that I carry to the grave. Still, I have learned to accept those feelings or perceptions, acknowledging them in the moment without wallowing in the sensation.
I wonder at my inability to see depressive feelings and thoughts approaching. You perceive that you should start to recognize the signs of depression - almost like you can sense a cold coming on. My experience is rarely like that. It seems to lurk around almost jumping out without a moment of warning. This is probably false perception as if I really paid attention to my inner dialogue and emotions the trend line shows where I'm headed.
The depression has lessened over the years. That is from healing (I would hold that God mend a mind), from finding a means to cope with the stresses of life, and from life just changing. Depression also just changed my approach to a good many things:
- Running: I'm rather 'religious' in my decisions about when to run and how long to run for. This simple exercise of discipline has made a change in state.
- Friends: While I don't want to simply throw folks out of my life, I'm far more selective on who gets my most quality time. That could be petty, and I do feel guilt about this often.
- Work: The part of my life moved to the realm of another thing that I do in life. My job is a means that serve others and God, but there has been a significant pull back in terms of panic about working more, working harder, or seeking any sort of recognition.
- Rest: I seem to just need more rest, or I just desire it more than ever before. Often this is mindless activities from YouTube to driving. From running to reading, all have risen in desire to simply find rest.
Your journey is probably far different from mine but here's where I've ended up after a decade of life with depression. Fight on, fellow sufferer.